Girls Start Acting Like Ladies

     Can we just talk about girls that don't have self respect for a minute? C'mon girls! Let's act like ladies shall we? If you have to flaunt your stuff to get a guy to pay attention to you he ain't worth your time! Be you. Focus on you, your goals and dreams. Enjoy being you, enjoy being free and young, then one day the right guy will come along. Cover yourself up, go out and buy a new pair of shoes! Go out and eat ice cream! Go do something and don't worry about having to report to anyone. You can be you! So go put some clothes on, stop posting inappropriate selfies on instagram, and stop putting yourself through unnecessary pain of letting guys play with your heart. Set standards for yourself and don't go stray away from them. Don't waste your time with guys you know aren't worth your time.

Home again

    Well I have officially been home for 36 hours. Let me be honest, it hasn't been smooth sailing. Turns out that things have changed and gone on without me while I have been gone and it seems that there really isn't a spot left for me here. My room has become the dumping ground for unwanted stuff, my spot in the bathroom has become my brother's shaving station and it seems I have become an inconvenience.
     Everyone has their lives and their routines and I am somehow supposed to fit back in. There are many strong emotions in this household that I had forgotten about. Personalities are clashing and there is a struggle for power and control. Being home is nothing like being at school. At school there is always someone around to hang out; you can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. Being home you don't know anyone and the closest friend is 30 mins away, not to mention most people are either in summer school or working at camp.
      I am left with the incredible task of unpacking school stuff into categories of things going back to school, things going abroad and things staying home. I am also working full time and trying to catch up with friends before I leave again. It is an emotional journey.
      Leaving school was an emotional challenge and now turns out being home is another challenge in itself. But the good news is that it is only 6 weeks and then another big challenge will come. And I know that as hard and annoying as things are now, I know one day I will miss it. So I guess I should appreciate it while I have it.

Movin' on out!

      I have packed and cleaned, said some goodbyes, finished my finals and it hits me; it is over. As I drive away I look back on the year and all the things I have been through, all the things I have accomplished, all the memories and friends made. I think about how much things have changed and how much they will continue to change. I think that is whats scares me the most, thing are going to change with out me. Will there even be a place for me when I get back? 

       This places has wiggled its way into my life and my heart and I have a feeling that it will always stay there, I leave a peice of my heart here with everyone who remains. 

       Thanks to everyone who has made this year great, dried my tears, and made me laugh! I love each and every one of you! 

The Packing Frenzy

      I am the worst at packing. I basically make piles of stuff and then move the piles around to different areas of the room. I put stuff in boxes and suitcases and then take it out again. Packing is awful because it makes things real. Somehow you can avoid and push away the fact you are leaving until you have to start packing. Reality comes crashing in and there is nothing you can do to make it go away. Studying, packing, saying goodbye, and putting up a stupid snarky front to keep from breaking down has become my reality. I do everything I can to avoid it.
     Pictures come off the walls, books get retired for the year, things get thrown away, things get put into suitcases and boxes to be loaded home. It is a sign that things have come to a close and that there is a new beginning around the corner.

Last Day of Class

      Today I had my last day of classes of my first year of college. It is really weird to think about. This year definitely had its ups and downs yet it went by so so fast. I remember there was a time when I thought this year could not end fast enough and I could not get out of place, but I guess that just sums up winter quarter for you. Spring quarter is by far the best time of year. It is absolutely wonderful. 

       Now that I have survived a year of classes, piles of homework, tests, projects, stress, and freezing weather. I am so happy that I stayed and had these experiences. I had classes I thought I would never make it through, I failed tests, I didn't do as well on things as I thought I should have. But I survived. I made it through. I learned a ton, questioned my major, and studied my butt off. I lost friends, and made a ton more. I had melt downs, shed a few tears, and had some great laughs along the way.

       As always looking back, I wouldn't trade this first year of college for anything. The people I have met and the memories I have made are irreplaceable. 

Things Change

       It is funny to me how much things change in a year. I came to college with dreams and ideas of how things would be. Yet a year later I see that things were really nothing like I thought they would be. Things changed so much from where I was as a scared timid little freshman getting dropped off in the dorm for the first time. I thought my life would be one way, that I would do certain things, be friends with certain people. Yet in reality most of those things didn't happen. I am not friends with the people I thought I would be, I didn't do most of the things I thought I would do, and I didn't expect to struggle with the things that I did.
      I am so grateful for the experiences I have had this year. Yes, they sometimes sucked and I shed my fair share of tears. I spent my fair share of sleepless nights crying out to God but I wouldn't be where I am now without them. This year has impacted my life in so many way. I have learned that things are temporary and you really don't have control of life. Things change and you can't stop them.
        God puts people in your life at just the right time, I am living proof that he does. Whenever you are beaten down and you think that you can't go on he sends someone to pick you up send you on your way again. He sends you friends to go through life with you, yes it is hard to see them go at times, but just as people go new ones come.
        I struggled with feeling accepted and needed for so long. God sent me friends that make me feel appreciated. Friends that make me love life, that I know have my back. It is hard to say goodbye but I know that God has a plan.

Motivation

     Motivation has left the premises. I am not sure where it went but it is long gone. I am about to embark on my last week of college year one and with that brings a whirlwind of emotion. Between studying for finals, doing last minute assignments, working on projects, packing and getting in last minute fun with friends, there is so much stress. So much to do and think about between now and then, yet there is so little time. If inspiration could hit that would be fantastic. It doesn't look like it is going to any time soon, so until it does I will just keep plugging along.

Craving Balance

           Yes. I am going through change right now. Yes. A TON of things are transitioning in my life. But I really just need people to act normal, be there for me and love me. While everything is changing I just need people to be normal. Something has to stay balanced while everything is flying around. And for the love of mud stop asking if I am okay! I am fine! The more people keep asking if I am okay the more and more I keep not being okay. Alright fine! I might be freaking out a little bit I might be stressed out of my mind but everyone stay cool.
          I apologize for how "off" I have been lately I have been a little snippy and a little stand offish. But I am dying inside and everyday that passes the inevitable stares me in the face a little more. The fact is, that I love all of you so dearly that leaving all of you is breaking my heart.

Looking Back at Home

       It is funny how I was so ready to get out of there. I was chomping at the bit, counting down the days until graduation when I could pack up and get out of that town. I would run away and never look back. I hated everything about it. I hated the area, I hated the people, the drama, the fact that everyone knew me and my business. I hated the responsibility and the stress. Yet, now that it is all gone, now that I traded it all, I really miss it. I know I have said it before but it is true, it is always the things that you take for granted, the things that you are so ready to give up that you wish you had back when you lose them.
      Growing up in that town, going to that school, made me who I am. It pushed me to discover myself, to learn, to grow, to become an adult.  It caused me to challenge God, and my beliefs, it forced me to look at my life and what I wanted to become. I absolutely love the people there, I love that everyone knows me, I love the town, the food, the culture. I miss everything about it. The view of the mountain, the field with the old oak tree, summers hanging out on the air strip. All the friends and memories made in that little town.  It is my home and it always will be.
       Every time I go back to visit it breaks my heart to leave. I am safe there, it is who I am, I am free to be me, it is easy, I don't have to worry, life is simpler when you are home.
    Now, don't get me wrong. I love college, this little college town is the cutest. There is nothing to do here, but that just makes you get creative, I have gone on so many great adventures with my friends, who have become my family. One day I am going to go back home and share that piece of my life with someone and I hope that they love it as much as I do.

My Friends

       As many times as I have felt alone in this world, neglected, completely and utterly forgotten. I do have to say that I have some of the best friends ever. They can irritate me to no end yet they make me laugh like no one else can. They tease me, poke fun at me but I know they love me. If it came down to it I know they have my back. They make life easier, help me loose track of time. They make life fun! 

          I can be snarky and bitter. I can snap and be rude; they know I am not perfect yet they still choose to hang out with me. They look out for me and care for me. They know when something is wrong and they care enough to make sure I am okay. 

      I am so blessed to have the friends I do and I am so happy God put them in my life! I don't know what I would do without them! 

Moments

          Life is made up of seconds that make up moments. Those moments are what define our lives. They are what make up our memories, they are what we remember.  Sometimes they are good sometimes we would rather forget. Sometimes we like to sit and count the moments rather than making the moments count for something.
         Have you ever had one of those time when you heard a song and were flooded with memories? It is like that song had memories attached to it and they were just waiting to be released. There are some songs that can instantly change your mood. Some can instantly change your bad day to a great one. Those are absolutely the best moments in life.

Super Hero

        I would just like to take a moment in the spirit of Mother's Day to talk about my mom. My mom is living proof that super heros are real. She has done nothing but give since the day I was born. She has sacrificed her whole life to making sure my brother and I have everything we could ever need or want. 

        She does nothing but give of herself. She is a full time taxi driver, personal chef, dry cleaner, maid, cleaning lady, comforter, dryer of tears, drill seargent, comedian, doctor, and oh so much more! She is kind, creative, loving, strong headed and stubborn, smart, and funny. My mom is my best friend! I can't even count the hours she has spent waiting in the parking lot for my brother and I get out of basketball practice, soccer practice, football practice, baseball practice, band practice, choir practice, piano lessons, bell choir, after school clubs or anything else my brother and I want to be involved in. Not to mention she came to all our games and performance cheering us on. She is my number one fan. She has been there for me through everything.

         My mom has always pushed me to be the best I can be. When things get hard and overwhelming and I want to quit she never lets me. She reminds me why I started and helps me through it. When things get tough She will cry with me, pick me up, dust me off and send me on my way.  And though we don't always see eye to eye I know that she only wants what is best for me. 

           I love my mom with all my heart! I don't know what I would do without her! I only hope one day I can be anything like her! 

Small World

     One weird thing about college is how different parts of your life start to overlap. You graduate and your classmates and friends scatter all over the country, all over the world maybe. One day you look on facebook and see pictures of one of your friends with another friend that you know from some other area od your life and you sit there and wonder how they suddenly know each other and how weird it is that they do. This has happened to me so many times and it is the weirdest thing ever. I know people from all over because of getting involved, or traveling, or just people moving. Then when two different areas of your life suddenly intersect it makes you pause for a moment. It is funny how we compartmentalize so much. We box things up in our minds, these are my friends from when I lived in Texas and these are my friends from leadership conference and when the two groups meet it makes us realize just how small the world really is. 

Life

       I don't know about you but I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I did something! I want to be able to share all the adventures and experiences that I have had. I want to experience life for all that it has to offer.
       Yes there are sad parts of life. People don't always stay in your life for as long as you want them too. Some people walk into your life and then right back out but you take that time that you shared together and it makes you part of who you are. Other people stay in your life for a really long time.
        Life is about change. Things never stay the same. People come and go. Times get tough. But that is part of living. As much as it breaks your heart you have to go through the bad to appreciate the good. Sometimes people have to leave for you to appreciate how much you love them.

Exciting News

 I am delighted to announce that I will be spending next year on the island of Pohnpei in the Confederate States of Micronesia. I am thrilled at the opportunity to teach 3rd grade and am excited to see what this next year holds. I encourage all of you to follow me as I go on this journey! I will keep you all posted on what is happening and share stories and pictures of my experience. I would also appreciate your support and prayers!

When We Are Tested

           Sometimes we are tested. In these times I pray that we will cling to what is important and we will remember just how fragile life is. We need to always remember what is important in life. We need to take advantage of every minute and live life to the fullest, with no regrets. We need to cling to the people around us and love them with everything we have. Love with your whole heart. Count your blessings. Never lose a chance of saying a kind word. Never lose a chance of telling someone you love them because well, life is just too damn short. Most importantly cling to God with everything you have.

Printed Words

        Can we just talk about how sad it is that newspapers are slowly fading away? The printed newspaper is a thought out and purposeful art form. It is about sharing ideas and stories and creating dialog between different kinds of people. It is thought provoking and interesting. It is about gathering facts and stories and presenting them to the public. It is about working together on a team to provide the most interesting news that you can.
       There is nothing like going to a coffee shop and reading the newspaper. No matter who you are or what you are interested in there is something in there for you. Yes, granted you might be able to find the same stories and information online somewhere but there is something to be said about the actual printed paper. The smell and texture of the paper, the way the ink rubs off. It is an art form!
       The process in which it takes to get a paper printed is incredible it takes time and energy and it has been around for decades! It is something that links us to the past. It is not just about reading the information or stories. It is about the experience of picking up the newspaper and feeling the paper, turning the pages, knowing what it took to get you this copy. It is fascinating and something that I would love to be apart of someday!

I Won't Apologize

          I am not going to apologize for my past. It has made me who I am. I am not going to apologize for the way I am. I am proud of all that I have overcome and accomplished. I am far from perfect, I make mistakes, but I learn and grow from them.  I am not ashamed of where I come from or what I have done. It is a part of me and it has made me who I am. I will never apologize for that.       

Take a Backroad

     There is something so freeing about driving around in the country on a sunny day. Driving back roads and singing country music at the top of your lung is so refreshing. I have to say this is one of the small things in life that I appreciate the most. No matter what is happening in life at that moment if you just drive the backroads everything seems okay for a while.

Spring Quarter

      Today is the second day of third quarter, spring quarter. Again I am looking at a new start, a new unknown, and a new chapter. This one is somewhat bittersweet as it is my last quarter of my freshman year of college. I have come to realized that no matter how slow and overwhelming and terrible college may seem at times, it is going to fly by and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Reach Out

      Alienated. Alone. Isolated. Not fitting in. These are feelings that so many people around us are feeling. I have struggled with this for so long myself. It breaks my heart to see people I love go through this. It never ceases to amaze me how the people that struggle with this the most are usually the ones that look like they have it all together. It is the ones that have all the friends around them. Then ones that are involved in almost everything. It seems to me that the more people you have around you the less people actually stop to care for you. Everyone just assumes that someone else is taking care of you that they don't stop to do it themselves. 
      We need to be there for the people around us. Everyone needs to feel like they have a place they fit.  A place that they know they are loved and cared for, a place they feel safe. We were created to need a community. We need a family of people supporting us. It is really hard to find that place sometimes.  Don't assume someone else is going to reach out. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to reach out. Why not be that person?

Take it or Leave it

         I have never been your typical girl. I am strong, and independent. I always have been. I am stubborn; I don't like asking for help. I have high standards and I am not going to compromise them for anything. I am opinionated and I can be moody. I over react. I am strong willed and determined. I am an extremely hard worker and I take things too seriously sometimes. I am not afraid to stand on my own two feet. I am not afraid of what people think of me. Yes, I have my problems and my insecurities, but I love with my whole heart; I give it all I have, and I never leave my friends. I may be hard to get along with sometimes, and I may be hard to love but it is who I am so take it or leave it!

"Tough, I ain't never been nothing but tough, all my edges have always been rough. But Jesus loves me anyway. Oh backbone, there ain't nothing wrong with a woman that got a little backbone." - Kellie Pickler

Learning to Appreciate Again

          Lately I have developed a better outlook on life, my old outlook on life. Since coming to college I have been laying low, blending into the crowd. After giving so much and being so involved for so long I ended up emotionally and physically drained. It left me bitter and cynical, very jaded.
        This year has been a transition, trying to figure everything out and just observing from the background. But now with a year under my belt and a year of rejuvenation and recovery I am ready to step back into it and show the world who I am and what I have to offer.
         I am tired of being upset and down about things that have happened and that I cannot change. I am tirede of every second. Take the good with the bad and love it while you have it.
         I have grown to appreciate the little things in life again. Like sitting on a window cil in the sun sipping iced coffee, or hanging out with friends, or getting out of afternoon lab early. "Appreciate the small things in life because later you will look back and realize they were the big things".
         I am tired of being upset and down about things that have happened and that I cannot change. I am tired of letting life slip by and not appreciating it while I have it. Life is just to dang short to not take advantage of every second. Take the good with the bad and love it while you have it.

Can't Wait

         One of the most amazing feelings in the world is when amidst the chaos of life you have inner peace. Right now there is a lot going on in my life and yet I feel like I can go out and conquer the world! You just have to realize that you can't change everything, you can't please everyone, all you can do is out and and do your best.
          Someone showed me this week that yes, I have been going through a lot, but God is setting me up for something really big and I am so excited to see what that is! I just have to trust him that he has everything under control and I can't wait to see how he is going to use my experiences and my story!

When Time Stops

       Sometimes in life there are moments when time just seems to stop. For a split second everyone and everything around you just freezes. These moments are normally followed by a whirlwind of confusion and questions swirling around in your head. These times can be extremely scary and overwhelming. They catch you when you least expect them and suck the breath out of you for a moment. They creep up and hit you with a reality check that you are really not in control of as much as you might think you are.
          Maybe it is a car crash, maybe it is a break up, or hearing someone just died, or someone is sick, but it is these moments that make you feel sick and like you just got punched in the stomach. Life has a way of keeping us on our toes and reminding us that we really are not in control, although we like to think we are sometimes.

Valentine's Day: Every Day?

     Valentine's Day is a great concept, it gives people an excuse to go do things together but there is way too much hype and expectation for it. It sets people up for the excitement and then leaves them feeling broken and crushed when no one is around to do anything for them. Valentine's Day has just become a huge commercial holiday where stores get to sell a bunch of crap because people are expected to buy it.
      I believe that life is too short not to tell people that you love and appreciate them.  People need to know that there are people out there that love and care about them. It is a part of human nature, we have this need for love and acceptance so tell the people you love that you love them! Don't wait for Valentine's day to do something special for someone.
      If you love someone tell them! Life is about taking risks! Just do it; you never know what could happen!

Cross Roads

        In life there are times when you come to a cross road or a fork in the road with many options of what to do next. Sometimes those roads are familiar and tempting because you know what it would be like to go down that road. Other times the roads are scary and dark and you don't know what it would be like to go down there. Choosing where to go can be stressful sometimes because the decisions you make and the roads you choose can effect the rest of your life. Sometimes all roads seem best, sometimes all roads seem awful, or other times it is really easy to choose where to go.
        The problem is how do you know what road to choose? How do you know what is the best way to steer your life? I know you have to surrender it to God and let him steer your life but how do you know what he is telling you? I think this is something that people struggle with all the time, but what do you do about it?

Break Down

       Sometimes you  just have those days when it is all you can do to hold back tears. You know those days when you are so stressed you have mini panic attacks all day long. When you have to hold yourself together so you don't break down in the middle of campus. The only way to get through these times is to surrender to God and this is so hard to do. You have to continually keep surrendering your problem.
        Sometimes you just have to confide in a friend, have a good cry then have them tell you it is going to be okay and then you pick yourself up and keep going. Sometimes the people that look like they have it all together are the ones that really don't.  I have a friend that continually tells me I am one of the "cool" kids, because I know a lot of people, but just because you know a lot of people doesn't mean they are there for you like a friend. Sometimes I just want to look at him and say "Wake up! I am not okay!" Be there for your friends; sometimes all they need is to know you are there for them if they need you.

Where Do I Belong?

        If I fell off a cliff I am pretty sure no one would know for a while. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me type of way, it is just how things are at this point. I am so lost; I don't know where my niche is. For some stupid reason I can't find that place where I feel like I belong. I always feel like the after thought; you were our last resort so we invited you. This whole situation is so aggravating to me because I am not like this naturally. I am not afraid to talk to people. I am confident most of the time. Making friends has never been something I have struggled with before.
       I am mad at myself for being upset about this because in the grand scheme of things it is not that big of a deal. There are people out there that are dying, people with disease, people having financial problems, people with serious problems and I am over here whining that I am lonely. It is stupid I know. I need to just suck it up and move on with life. But at the same time, is this how I am supposed to live life? Is it supposed to be this way? I am not sure anymore, I am stuck in this cycle of what to think and do.
       I have become almost numb. Yet I don't want to tell people how I feel because that is desperate and   I don't want people to hang out with me out of pity. I question if this is really the right place for me. But how do I know what is? I don't want to go somewhere else and be even more upset and then not be able to come back because I lost all my scholarships. How do you find where you are supposed to be?

Life in a Bubble

           Let's be honest for a minute. Growing up and being in school you are in a little bit of a bubble, some more than others but you really are. You are provided for and given everything. You don't really have to make that many life altering decisions and the big decisions you do need to make you are counseled through. You are never alone. You really only have one job in life at that point and that is to go through school and get an education. When you are going through this time of your life it doesn't seem that great. If feels boring and restrictive. But looking back on it, it is one of the greatest times in life if only I could go back and tell myself that.
         Now that I am in college and that bubble is slowly dissolving it makes me realize a lot about life that I never really thought about before and if I did I never thought I would actually get to that point in life. I am faced with decisions that could potentially effect the rest of my life. I don't like having make these decisions or start planning and thinking about the rest of my life it is hard. It is safer and easier to stay in the bubble and not face the outside world. However, whether I like it or not the bubble is dissolving and I have to grow up with it.

Why Are You Leaving?

         The last four years of my I have really been struggling with something. I have been wrestling with myself and with God over this issue and I still don't know what to do. It seems like whenever I allow myself to get close to someone and once they start to become a bigger part of my life they leave. In one way or another they end up leaving. I have cried out to God and pleaded with Him to send me someone I can rely on.
         Since coming to college I have made several friends. It took me awhile to feel like I had developed a friend base that I could depend on. Once that finally happened circumstances arose and that friend group left. I was left searching for some one else to call my friends. I got really discouraged when this seemed more challenging that it normally was for me. These passed few weeks I have been feeling better about the direction things are going. But it turns out everyone that I feel like I have started to get close to is going to be going overseas next year for various reasons. My heart is breaking.
         I know God allows us to go through things for a reason. I believe he is teaching me to be completely dependent on him and not worry about those around me. I believe he wants me to know that he is constant and never leaves me no matter what, unlike the people of this world. However, I also believe that God wants us to have people in this world that uplift us and draw us closer to him. He created fellowship and wants us to have quality relationships.
        I don't know why I keep going through this, but I have to cling to the promise that He has my best interest in mind. I know that He is doing great work in my life I just have to be open and allow Him to break me and change me, even if it hurts sometimes. And that through all this I will come out stronger, for in my weakness He is strong.

Why is This a Game?

      I will be completely honest I have never really been good at relationships or even really been in one. I have just never really found anyone worth my time I guess. But something I have noticed about relationships is that there are phases with so many unspoken rules and steps.
      You have the "chasing" phase where someone decides that they like someone and they go after them until they either win out or they don't so they give up and move on. This phase is the most annoying in my opinion. Because it never works out for me the way it does for other people. For the average person they will decide they like someone. Then they will start hanging out with that person and most of the time they win.
     This phase is like a game of chess you have to make strategic moves to win over your opponent. You make a move then you have to wait for them to make their move. It is like a game and a dance all in one and completely ridiculous if you ask me. All this flirting and strategic thinking is mentally excruciating and exhausting. I would rather know straight up what is going on. You interested? Okay. I don't like this guessing game. I  just want to know if I am wasting my time here or not. But unfortunately this is not how it works. It normally turns in to being a little bit of a game.
        The next phase is the "getting to know you" phase. You both clearly like each other and are interested in maybe starting a relationship. You start hanging out and getting to know each other better. You go do things together, and hang out with each other's friends. This stage can be real fun! Some people move through this phase quickly others stay there awhile because there is no real rush to start dating. Either way this phase usually leads into the dating phase.
       Dating looks different for many different couples. But there is a balance that needs to be achieved between spending time together getting to know each other better and being independent and having their own lives and friends. Dating is supposed to be a fun experience. It is a beautiful thing. It should be easy and carefree. If you find the right person it should come naturally and you should want to do anything you can to make the other person happy, not trying to get something out of it for you.  This is where a lot of people go wrong and they end up getting hurt. I just can't wait till I find this for myself.

Attitude Adjustment

        It is in the bad days that you have to cling to the hope that things will get better. God doesn't want you to be miserable, he wants good things for you. Even if it is just a bad day and stupid little things happened and upset you, know that it doesn't really matter. Sometimes stuff just sucks and there is really nothing you can do about it. It is in these moments that you have to chose to overlook the bad things and have a good attitude anyways, I never really want to do this part. I would rather just wallow in self pity and have people feel sorry for me. It really is true what they say: "misery likes company." We never want to feel bad by ourselves.  When you are upset don't you just hate chipper people? I do. But we have to chose to change our attitude.

Perfect Balance

        So the quarter hasn't started off like I would have hoped. I am still stuck in this funk, feeling sick all the time, headaches, cranky, frustrated. I think part of the problem is I haven't been able to break out of my cycle that I have created for myself. I want something different and new and I haven't really gotten that. I want to make new friends and that hasn't worked as well as I would have hoped.
         I have also had something on my mind and it haunts me all the time, I haven't been able to really deal with it, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I am really not good at relationships, they never really work out for me. That's why this bothers me so much. On one hand I really want it, I want it to work out and sometimes I see hope that maybe it really could work out. But on the other I want these feelings to go away, I don't want to deal with it, because I know it will only bring pain. But these two sides conflict constantly in my head causing me so much frustration and pain.
       I really just want to let it go and let what happens happens, but for some reason that is really hard this time. Why is this time so different? I don't know but for some reason it is. I want to let is go but what if I come to find out later that it would have worked if I had just done that one thing? If I had just said hello, or sat with him then that would have been the thing that sealed the deal. But then I also don't want to be overbearing or overwhelming. It is a constant battle. I am not good at it and it sucks, why is there such a perfect balance?

Fresh Start

         With this new year comes new starts, new beginnings, a new quarter, new classes, new opportunities and I am excited about it all. By the end of last quarter I was in such a funk and it was miserable. This quarter I am going to make an effort to change things up, go with the flow, be more outgoing, meet people, and be more independent. I am going to have a better outlook on life and be more positive. There is so much anticipation for this new quarter. I can't wait to see what this new start has to hold!