Let's be honest for a minute. Growing up and being in school you are in a little bit of a bubble, some more than others but you really are. You are provided for and given everything. You don't really have to make that many life altering decisions and the big decisions you do need to make you are counseled through. You are never alone. You really only have one job in life at that point and that is to go through school and get an education. When you are going through this time of your life it doesn't seem that great. If feels boring and restrictive. But looking back on it, it is one of the greatest times in life if only I could go back and tell myself that.
Now that I am in college and that bubble is slowly dissolving it makes me realize a lot about life that I never really thought about before and if I did I never thought I would actually get to that point in life. I am faced with decisions that could potentially effect the rest of my life. I don't like having make these decisions or start planning and thinking about the rest of my life it is hard. It is safer and easier to stay in the bubble and not face the outside world. However, whether I like it or not the bubble is dissolving and I have to grow up with it.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Why Are You Leaving?
The last four years of my I have really been struggling with something. I have been wrestling with myself and with God over this issue and I still don't know what to do. It seems like whenever I allow myself to get close to someone and once they start to become a bigger part of my life they leave. In one way or another they end up leaving. I have cried out to God and pleaded with Him to send me someone I can rely on.
Since coming to college I have made several friends. It took me awhile to feel like I had developed a friend base that I could depend on. Once that finally happened circumstances arose and that friend group left. I was left searching for some one else to call my friends. I got really discouraged when this seemed more challenging that it normally was for me. These passed few weeks I have been feeling better about the direction things are going. But it turns out everyone that I feel like I have started to get close to is going to be going overseas next year for various reasons. My heart is breaking.
I know God allows us to go through things for a reason. I believe he is teaching me to be completely dependent on him and not worry about those around me. I believe he wants me to know that he is constant and never leaves me no matter what, unlike the people of this world. However, I also believe that God wants us to have people in this world that uplift us and draw us closer to him. He created fellowship and wants us to have quality relationships.
I don't know why I keep going through this, but I have to cling to the promise that He has my best interest in mind. I know that He is doing great work in my life I just have to be open and allow Him to break me and change me, even if it hurts sometimes. And that through all this I will come out stronger, for in my weakness He is strong.
Since coming to college I have made several friends. It took me awhile to feel like I had developed a friend base that I could depend on. Once that finally happened circumstances arose and that friend group left. I was left searching for some one else to call my friends. I got really discouraged when this seemed more challenging that it normally was for me. These passed few weeks I have been feeling better about the direction things are going. But it turns out everyone that I feel like I have started to get close to is going to be going overseas next year for various reasons. My heart is breaking.
I know God allows us to go through things for a reason. I believe he is teaching me to be completely dependent on him and not worry about those around me. I believe he wants me to know that he is constant and never leaves me no matter what, unlike the people of this world. However, I also believe that God wants us to have people in this world that uplift us and draw us closer to him. He created fellowship and wants us to have quality relationships.
I don't know why I keep going through this, but I have to cling to the promise that He has my best interest in mind. I know that He is doing great work in my life I just have to be open and allow Him to break me and change me, even if it hurts sometimes. And that through all this I will come out stronger, for in my weakness He is strong.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Why is This a Game?
I will be completely honest I have never really been good at relationships or even really been in one. I have just never really found anyone worth my time I guess. But something I have noticed about relationships is that there are phases with so many unspoken rules and steps.
You have the "chasing" phase where someone decides that they like someone and they go after them until they either win out or they don't so they give up and move on. This phase is the most annoying in my opinion. Because it never works out for me the way it does for other people. For the average person they will decide they like someone. Then they will start hanging out with that person and most of the time they win.
This phase is like a game of chess you have to make strategic moves to win over your opponent. You make a move then you have to wait for them to make their move. It is like a game and a dance all in one and completely ridiculous if you ask me. All this flirting and strategic thinking is mentally excruciating and exhausting. I would rather know straight up what is going on. You interested? Okay. I don't like this guessing game. I just want to know if I am wasting my time here or not. But unfortunately this is not how it works. It normally turns in to being a little bit of a game.
The next phase is the "getting to know you" phase. You both clearly like each other and are interested in maybe starting a relationship. You start hanging out and getting to know each other better. You go do things together, and hang out with each other's friends. This stage can be real fun! Some people move through this phase quickly others stay there awhile because there is no real rush to start dating. Either way this phase usually leads into the dating phase.
Dating looks different for many different couples. But there is a balance that needs to be achieved between spending time together getting to know each other better and being independent and having their own lives and friends. Dating is supposed to be a fun experience. It is a beautiful thing. It should be easy and carefree. If you find the right person it should come naturally and you should want to do anything you can to make the other person happy, not trying to get something out of it for you. This is where a lot of people go wrong and they end up getting hurt. I just can't wait till I find this for myself.
You have the "chasing" phase where someone decides that they like someone and they go after them until they either win out or they don't so they give up and move on. This phase is the most annoying in my opinion. Because it never works out for me the way it does for other people. For the average person they will decide they like someone. Then they will start hanging out with that person and most of the time they win.
This phase is like a game of chess you have to make strategic moves to win over your opponent. You make a move then you have to wait for them to make their move. It is like a game and a dance all in one and completely ridiculous if you ask me. All this flirting and strategic thinking is mentally excruciating and exhausting. I would rather know straight up what is going on. You interested? Okay. I don't like this guessing game. I just want to know if I am wasting my time here or not. But unfortunately this is not how it works. It normally turns in to being a little bit of a game.
The next phase is the "getting to know you" phase. You both clearly like each other and are interested in maybe starting a relationship. You start hanging out and getting to know each other better. You go do things together, and hang out with each other's friends. This stage can be real fun! Some people move through this phase quickly others stay there awhile because there is no real rush to start dating. Either way this phase usually leads into the dating phase.
Dating looks different for many different couples. But there is a balance that needs to be achieved between spending time together getting to know each other better and being independent and having their own lives and friends. Dating is supposed to be a fun experience. It is a beautiful thing. It should be easy and carefree. If you find the right person it should come naturally and you should want to do anything you can to make the other person happy, not trying to get something out of it for you. This is where a lot of people go wrong and they end up getting hurt. I just can't wait till I find this for myself.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Attitude Adjustment
It is in the bad days that you have to cling to the hope that things will get better. God doesn't want you to be miserable, he wants good things for you. Even if it is just a bad day and stupid little things happened and upset you, know that it doesn't really matter. Sometimes stuff just sucks and there is really nothing you can do about it. It is in these moments that you have to chose to overlook the bad things and have a good attitude anyways, I never really want to do this part. I would rather just wallow in self pity and have people feel sorry for me. It really is true what they say: "misery likes company." We never want to feel bad by ourselves. When you are upset don't you just hate chipper people? I do. But we have to chose to change our attitude.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Perfect Balance
So the quarter hasn't started off like I would have hoped. I am still stuck in this funk, feeling sick all the time, headaches, cranky, frustrated. I think part of the problem is I haven't been able to break out of my cycle that I have created for myself. I want something different and new and I haven't really gotten that. I want to make new friends and that hasn't worked as well as I would have hoped.
I have also had something on my mind and it haunts me all the time, I haven't been able to really deal with it, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I am really not good at relationships, they never really work out for me. That's why this bothers me so much. On one hand I really want it, I want it to work out and sometimes I see hope that maybe it really could work out. But on the other I want these feelings to go away, I don't want to deal with it, because I know it will only bring pain. But these two sides conflict constantly in my head causing me so much frustration and pain.
I really just want to let it go and let what happens happens, but for some reason that is really hard this time. Why is this time so different? I don't know but for some reason it is. I want to let is go but what if I come to find out later that it would have worked if I had just done that one thing? If I had just said hello, or sat with him then that would have been the thing that sealed the deal. But then I also don't want to be overbearing or overwhelming. It is a constant battle. I am not good at it and it sucks, why is there such a perfect balance?
I have also had something on my mind and it haunts me all the time, I haven't been able to really deal with it, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I am really not good at relationships, they never really work out for me. That's why this bothers me so much. On one hand I really want it, I want it to work out and sometimes I see hope that maybe it really could work out. But on the other I want these feelings to go away, I don't want to deal with it, because I know it will only bring pain. But these two sides conflict constantly in my head causing me so much frustration and pain.
I really just want to let it go and let what happens happens, but for some reason that is really hard this time. Why is this time so different? I don't know but for some reason it is. I want to let is go but what if I come to find out later that it would have worked if I had just done that one thing? If I had just said hello, or sat with him then that would have been the thing that sealed the deal. But then I also don't want to be overbearing or overwhelming. It is a constant battle. I am not good at it and it sucks, why is there such a perfect balance?
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Fresh Start
With this new year comes new starts, new beginnings, a new quarter, new classes, new opportunities and I am excited about it all. By the end of last quarter I was in such a funk and it was miserable. This quarter I am going to make an effort to change things up, go with the flow, be more outgoing, meet people, and be more independent. I am going to have a better outlook on life and be more positive. There is so much anticipation for this new quarter. I can't wait to see what this new start has to hold!
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