So the quarter hasn't started off like I would have hoped. I am still stuck in this funk, feeling sick all the time, headaches, cranky, frustrated. I think part of the problem is I haven't been able to break out of my cycle that I have created for myself. I want something different and new and I haven't really gotten that. I want to make new friends and that hasn't worked as well as I would have hoped.
I have also had something on my mind and it haunts me all the time, I haven't been able to really deal with it, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I am really not good at relationships, they never really work out for me. That's why this bothers me so much. On one hand I really want it, I want it to work out and sometimes I see hope that maybe it really could work out. But on the other I want these feelings to go away, I don't want to deal with it, because I know it will only bring pain. But these two sides conflict constantly in my head causing me so much frustration and pain.
I really just want to let it go and let what happens happens, but for some reason that is really hard this time. Why is this time so different? I don't know but for some reason it is. I want to let is go but what if I come to find out later that it would have worked if I had just done that one thing? If I had just said hello, or sat with him then that would have been the thing that sealed the deal. But then I also don't want to be overbearing or overwhelming. It is a constant battle. I am not good at it and it sucks, why is there such a perfect balance?
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