When Missionaries Return

  As a returned student missionary, something I have become passionate about is educating family and friends of returned student missionaries of what to expect when their missionary comes home. I know that it is hard on the family and friends of SMs because they don’t know what to expect, they don’t know how their friend will have changed, what experiences they have had, what they have been through. When you go as an SM you miss out on a lot and you go through a lot.

          It is scary to come back, you are just as unsure about how to fit in as your friends are. You missed out on inside jokes, pop culture, movies, songs, award shows, and television shows. Things have happened and it is hard to catch up. It can be hard to switch cultures again. You are thrown into a new culture and forced to abandon the way you used to do things before, for this new lifestyle. Then you get thrown back to where you were before and it can be confusing and overwhelming. It can be easy to get frustrated. You also have to fight the feelings of being happy to be home and see your friends and family again but yet fighting the ache in your heart of the pain of those you loved and left. It can be hard to go from being the person in charge to coming back to school and just being a person in the classroom.

         Life becomes so much more complicated and daily lifestyles can see selfish and greedy. There are so many options in the stores and everything you could ever want or need is available to you, unlike it was in the mission field. It can be hard to find your purpose again after a year of service. You go from your everyday daily life being for other people, and now you are forced to go back to school and focus on yourself and it feels selfish on many levels.

       When your friends come back from a year abroad be patient and loving towards them. Understand that though they may be sad because they miss their students or host families, they are still happy to see you and still love you. They are just as confused and frustrated as you. Let them tell stories and talk about their experiences. Returned student missionaries just want to talk and share about the things they did. They want to show pictures and talk about what they loved about their year. Let them talk it can be therapeutic.

        Be patient, for awhile they won’t understand your movie references, your inside jokes, or your pop culture references and it can be easy for a returned missionary to feel isolated and alone for awhile because they can’t relate and it can be frustrating an alienating. Include them as much as possible and help them catch up.

    They may be struggling spiritually. After a year of service and seeing God work in different real ways, you can be on a spiritual high and coming back can cause you to crash. It can be harder to find God in your come country. Help them connect and be there for them to talk to. They may not want to talk about it but be aware that they may be struggling with God.

     Being a student missionary is an amazing experience, you get to see and experience things you wouldn’t otherwise get to. You get to fall in love with other people and cultures, you get to see God in other ways. It pushes you to examine yourself and your beliefs. It challenges you in multiple ways. Being a student missionary is great but it includes transitions and it is important to be there to support them.

Put Down Your Phone

       In the world of technology and Netflix we fill every moment with some kind of “noise”. We listen to music while we walk to class, play Netflix while we study, do laundry, eat our meals, we look at our phone while we stand in line, while we wait for our food. We check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and whatever else hundreds of times a day. We don’t like to be alone in the quiet with ourselves. We don’t like to be forced to look at who we are. We avoid real life as much as we can, most of the time subconsciously.

     When do you stop to just look at the things around you? When do you just stop to listen to the noises and see the sun shine down on you? We miss so much out of life because we are too busy looking at our screens. We are using technology to babysit our kids. We are teaching them to rely on technology.

    When is the last time you just read a book? When is the last time you drew? When is the last time you just stopped and listened to music, really listened? When is the last time you did something just because it made you happy? Go out and do things! Take a walk in the park. Go paint something! Go get lunch with a friend and be with them there in that moment, no phones. Go thrift shopping! Find what makes you happy and go do it! Don’t miss out on life because you have been in bed watching Netflix for the past seven hours!

       Find things that make your heart sing. Go enjoy a really good cup of coffee, go visit an art gallery, go experiment with photography, go for a hike! I dare you to get passionate about something and use it to make a difference!

Tales of Anxiety

     If you don't suffer from a mental illness it is hard to understand, especially anxiety. It's hard to understand the emotional turmoil and physical toll it takes on your body. The panic and exhaustion you feel. The constant loop of worry that plays around and around in your brain and no matter what you do you can't stop it. The panic that grips your chest, making it hard to breathe and causing you to feel sick to your stomach. The nausea that overcomes making you loose your appetite. The hours you spend over the toilet throwing up only making your worry more. The countless sleepless nights. The nights waking up in panic praying for your mind to calm down and sleep to knock you out.
     Anxiety is frustrating. You know you are okay and that what is worrying you may be irrational but anxiety doesn't care. It doesn't care if you are being irrational, it doesn't care if you are going to be okay it comes in anyways and overtakes your life whether you want it to or not. It seems like no matter what you do it never really goes away. It overcomes your life and steals your happiness.
   Anxiety can make  you feel lonely and hopeless. It can make you feel shame and embarrassed. I mean after all you aren't going to die, it just feels like it. Why can't you handle life like normal people? Why can't you just calm down? It doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself you are okay your body doesn't believe you. Your body is scared and it is reacting in the way it sees fit.
    Anxiety makes it hard to focus on anything other than anxiety. It makes life so much more complicated and the smallest of tasks seem so overwhelming. Anxiety is a mental disease and it can be hard to deal with. I understand I have been there. People don't always understand they say pray about it. But what they don't know is that praying about it means you are thinking about it and thinking about it makes you worry more and the cycle spins and spins faster and faster out of control and soon you are hunched over hyperventilating praying to just help you live. Anxiety is scary. You do all you can to survive.
    But eventually you find joy. Joy and peace in the little things, maybe for only a second, but it was still there and for a moment you found relief and peace of what was worrying you. Maybe later it is longer, an hour maybe, maybe you even laughed hard for the first time in a long time. Maybe later it's a day and soon the attacks are farther and farther apart and what was worrying you doesn't seem so big anymore. It is those moments that you have to appreciate the good in life because when anxiety hits it is those moments you have to so desperately cling to. It is what makes life worth living.

Tales of ReEntry

      When you come back you soon realize that there are three groups of people. One group is the expert group, you try and talk to them about various things from your year and they are quick to tell you all about the things they know about the topic (whether right or wrong), and they tell you all the things you must be feeling. They are sure that they understand even though they have nothing to relate to anything you are trying to say.
     The next group are the ones that don't really care. The first time they see you they ask how you are and how your experience was. But once you give anything more than a three word response they cut you short with excuses of having to go do something or meet someone. They are the ones that are too busy to really care about anything you have to say.
    The third group is the group that really thinks that they care and maybe they do. They just don't have anyways of understanding or identifying with what you have to say. They can't offer the support that you so desperately want. They don't understand how you can go on and on about all the things that you hated and all the bad experiences you had but in the same breathe talk about how it was the greatest thing you have ever done. They have no hook to hang your story.
      People are just as confused as I am about how I can be such a stranger in my own culture. It is frustrating. Going through reEntry is like a computer with things running in the background. When you have a lot of programs open and a lot of things runnings running in the background it slows the computer down. The same is when you come home. You are always subconsciously processing and dealing with things. It slows you down and leaves you just as tired and frustrated as the user of the computer.
    Trying to figure out how to deal with the new ways that you see things can be all but possible at times. Home feels different, foreign even, you notice different things that you never did before. How do you deal with them?
     You love the things of home, warm comfy beds, hot showers, familiar language, familiar food, loved ones, cleanliness and the list goes on and on. However you miss things of the place you left behind, new friends, food, weather, culture, lifestyle, and on and on. You come to despise things about your home culture, ungratefulness, impatience, materialism, business, etc. You want so desperately to fit in, for things to be normal again, yet, a part of you wants to be nothing like these people full of greed and selfishness. You don't want to let go of the place and things that you learned and experience in your new home. You find yourself bitter and angry,  with a short fuze, critical and angry at yourself. What happened? How did I get like this? How do I move on? Do I even want to move on? Why did I even leave? Why did I even go in the first place?
     People don't understand how the thought of going to a crowded place gives you anxiety. How doing normal everyday things seems weird. How you do things and sometimes don't even know why you do them.
   Your values and beliefs have shifted or solidified and your friends may not identify or understand them. It leaves you feeling more isolated, unsure of who to trust, or spend your time with.
    ReEntry is a process. The most frustrating process ever, yet a process. It brings joy, hurt, pain, laughter and tears. It causes you to grow yet again in ways you never thought you would have to but in the end you are richer because of it.

I Was Given a Box

      Life after a year abroad is kind of different. I mean in a lot of ways it is the same I go to the same places, eat the same things, shop at the same stores more or less.  They tell you to take time off, go see the world, get perspective on life. So that is what I set out to do. I decided to spend a year teaching, 3rd grade, sounded fun, new and exciting. I went to a place far away where I didn't really know anyone in search of figuring out life and finding myself.
     I had a great experience. I sang, prayed, laughed, cried, experienced amazing sunsets and sunrises, trials and tribulation. I failed and overcame. All while falling in love with 32 beautiful children. I grew to love the community and culture. They embraced me and laughed while I tried to learn their language, all too unsuccessfully. They joined me while I experienced their cultural celebrations and learned to love their food.
      Go experience the world they said. So I did. I went and dove headfirst in an amazing culture on the other side of the world. I learned about family, friendship, love, faith, God, patience, and forgiveness. I learned about the power of prayer. I experienced, and I learned all while figuring out and learning more and more about myself. You set out in a new place to figure out how to survive and in the process you end up stumbling upon yourself. You figure out who you are in a new place, you gather new ideas, new perspectives, and experiences.
         I was heartbroken to leave this place. This place where I had discovered so much on a piece of land amongst the sea. This magical heavenly place. My heart fell into 32 pieces, the 32 pieces that had hugged me, starred up at me in amazement, the 32 pieces that had fought me, cried in my arms, and loved me so unconditionally. My 32 amazing children that had touched my heart so deeply. I left those 32 pieces on that island amongst the sea.
       I was excited to take my new ideas, perspectives, and experiences home to share with those I loved.  But to my amazement they were not as welcomed as I had hoped. Sure they were excited to see me but the hype fizzled out real fast and I was soon given a box. I was told to keep my ideas, perspectives, and experiences to myself. I was told to stay in the box, "you are home now,""'you're not on an island anymore". I was left in a box, frustrated on how to fit in it. Everyone around me left frustrated and confused, unsure of what to do, unsure of who I was.
       Alas, I am left to figure out who I am all over again inside this box, this box I don't fit in, this box that has all the experiences, and ideas that I have grown to cherish but are not so appreciated by others. I have to figure out who I am in the place I grew up with the new things I have brought home with me. I know who I am on the island but who am I at home?

Camp Week 3

     Wow this weeks has been one of the hardest, most stressful weeks ever. All started out sunday morning hearing of my brothers accident. The night before (4th of July) he got hit in the face with a firework that blew up in his face leaving this face burnt, swollen, and bloody. He was rushed to the hospital with his best friend who was hit in the neck and Greg was then later flown to a hospital with a burn unit, his friend soon discharged. 

   My mother flew out that morning and I spent the whole day in a fog or worry and uncertainty of what was happening. I tried to focus on my work but I was lost wondering around unsure of what to do. The next day I started my week as sub couselor and fought back panic attacks and tears. I had a rough cabin, was worried about Greg, and was trying to figure out how to be a councelor. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I spent the day running around with 9 girls who had been up since 4 am. It was rough. 

      I had been wondering why God wanted me at camp. Not going to lie I didn't really want to go but long story short I knew that is where God wanted me. However now I know why. The support and love I have received from the staff and everyone during this rough time has been amazing. I had been missing my SM family that loved me despite of everything and who supported me through everything, I was worried I would never have that again. But I have found that again in my camp family. They have come around me and loved me and supported me and done more than they had to to help me. I am so thankful for all of them. 

       I am still worried, still having a hard time focusing and taking care of myself much less 8 girls but I have a new family to lean on and I am so thankful for that and all that God has been doing to heal my brother. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, support, and prayers. They have all been greatly appreciated. I know that I have hundreds of people praying dor Greg and my family and I am so grateful. 

Girls Start Acting Like Ladies

     Can we just talk about girls that don't have self respect for a minute? C'mon girls! Let's act like ladies shall we? If you have to flaunt your stuff to get a guy to pay attention to you he ain't worth your time! Be you. Focus on you, your goals and dreams. Enjoy being you, enjoy being free and young, then one day the right guy will come along. Cover yourself up, go out and buy a new pair of shoes! Go out and eat ice cream! Go do something and don't worry about having to report to anyone. You can be you! So go put some clothes on, stop posting inappropriate selfies on instagram, and stop putting yourself through unnecessary pain of letting guys play with your heart. Set standards for yourself and don't go stray away from them. Don't waste your time with guys you know aren't worth your time.