Happy and Free

A girls's heart should be so lost in God that a man must go through him to get her. 

Imagine a man that is so close to God he only looked up because God told him "that's her".

      These are things that I have been living by lately. I am enjoying life as it is and taking things as they come. Trying to enjoy life as it is and waiting for God to change it when he thinks it is time. I am just waiting for God to finish his work with me, although I know I will always be a work in progress. I am choosing to be content in the moment. Happy and free being single!  

Growing and Changing

   I went to lunch today with an old friend from home and we talked and talked it was really nice. She made me realize that I'm right, this is an important time in life. This is a time of discovery and finding out who I am and what I believe. I need to build my own foundation before I can add someone else to the mix. I have to go through experiences and figure things out for myself. I am going through a time of change and figuring out life and myself. God knows that and he knows that makes me vulnerable. He is keeping me isolated until I finish growing and changing because he knows it will make me stronger on the other side. Then when I am ready he will give me someone.

All Is Right In The World

       This is the week of finals and at first I was really overwhelmed but I just kicked my first two finals in the butt and I will get the last one in the morning and then I am done. It is a good feeling. I feel like everything is right in the world at this moment. The sun is shining it is warm outside (which by the way it really is, you know it has been cold lately when it hits like 40 degrees and everyone is sweating to death. Literally it was 45 yesterday and people were out sitting on the lawn all day). Finals are such a bittersweet time because they are stressful and you have to work your butt off in order to do well in them but then you also know christmas break is right around the corner. In two days I will be on my way home and then two after that I will be on my way to California to spend christmas with the rest of my family.
         This last week has been crazy because things got overwhelming and I started questioning everything but today has just showed me that I really don't have to worry about anything because God has it all under control. I just need to let go and know that he is working it out.

Under Pressure

        Being in college I feel this constant pressure to succeed and do well. I feel like my parents just want me to hermit myself and study, because so much money and sacrifice is riding on this, and I know that. But at the same time that sounds like a terrible and miserable life just studying all the time and having no social interaction with the outside world. I mean getting a degree is extremely important. But at the same time this age and this time in my life is the time to really live and experience life. It is time to have fun and enjoy friends and life because once this time is gone it is gone and I can never get it back. Right now I don't really have to answer to anyone I don't really have to worry about anyone else's schedule or anyone else in general. I could pack up and leave and it really wouldn't matter to anyone (although I am sure my parents would have something to say about it) but still.
        I mean I eventually want to settle down and have a steady life, but that doesn't really matter now. I don't know, lately I have just been feeling trapped and stagnant. I want some excitement I want to do something. Maybe I have gone crazy and cracked from the pressure because I don't want to let anyone down. I want to do well and make them proud. But I feel like I am faking it for everyone else's sake. I am unhappy and scared to death and I just get up and go to class for the sake of everyone else. I don't want people to be disappointed but at what price? My happiness? My sanity? I don't really just want to live life day by day just doing enough to survive. I mean how is that really living, just surviving. I don't really know what I am doing anymore but I know I will eventually figure it out.

Do You

       Something I have realized this week is how valuable it is to be single and to embrace that. I mean think about it, when in your life are you going to be able to pack up and do whatever you want? When else in your life are you going to not have to answer to someone else? I mean soon you will be married and have kids and always have to work your schedule around your family. This is the only time you will only have to worry about yourself. These are the years that you should value and cherish!
        Be you and value it! Find who you are and be ok with that. Have fun with your girlfriends. Live your life freely and adventurous and love will find you when it wants to. Don't be so rushed to get rid of your freedom and innocence, you will never get these years back  so don't throw them away so quickly. It is important to cherish what you have while you have it. Someday you just might want it back!

Love: You're Doing it Wrong

       People certainly go to strange extremes to impress people. I mean they will go out of their way to do something for someone and most of the time end up looking foolish and embarrassed, but all for what? Love? What is it anyways. I mean you can go through tons of jerks before you eventually find one even worth your time and then most the time that doesn't work out anyway.
      I hate watching people get together and their lives become consumed with each other they lose their friends and their lives completely change. They shut people out and they change, most of the time for the worse and it is ugly and terrible to watch. I can't tell you how many people I have watched this happen to. Sometimes I think people don't even know what they want or what they are looking for. They see someone they like and they go after them and they become their world. People are really disgusting I mean no one wants to watch you canoodle all over each other.
        I know I sound cynical but hey I am looking for someone just as much as the next person, I just question why and how people do it. I mean everyone wants to feel loved and accepted they want to find that place where they feel like they fit in. But running to someones arms isn't always the best place, especially if you are doing it just because you are scared of the alternative. Take time to be you and be single. It is okay you don't have to always have someone on your arm.
         People go from one person to the next because they are lonely and they don't like being alone but that isn't a great excuse. That isn't healthy and it isn't fair to either one of you. Take time to know yourself and to and be alone. That isn't a bad thing, and hey love may just find you when you least expect it.
   

Only Monday...

      Sometimes I just wish that people would mind their own business. I mean I know people are trying and they think they know the best for me, but sometimes you really don't. When people want you to do something and they are cramming it down your throat it can be stressful and overwhelming quite frankly, especially if you are fighting it and they won't let up.
      This week is just terrible and overwhelming anyways it is the week before finals. It is also the last week of classes so EVERYTHING is due this week and I even have some finals this week, which is both a blessing and a curse. I have tests and several speeches for my speech class as well as an oral french test. This week is really exhausting and absolute torture and the worst part is that it is only monday...

Thankful

      This whole thanksgiving season has really made me stop and think about how good I have it. I know I complain sometimes and go off about how I wish things could be different, but deep down I am thankful for where I am. I have had a pretty good life. I have two parents that love me and that are sacrificing so much to put me through college and I couldn't thank them enough. Things could be way worse than they are. I don't always stop and appreciate how good I have it.

What Ifs

     We all have those things we wish we could do differently. Whether it be we wish we had done something we didn't, or we wish we could take back, or we wish we could just go back and relive a moment and do it differently. Some of us have those things we hope to God no one finds out about. Those things we tuck away inside and hope that go away. Some have those things that haunt us and we pray they will go away forever. But is it us keeping them around?
       This week in particular I have thought a lot about how my life would have been very very different had I not gone to college. Sometimes I wish it could be that way, other times I am really thankful that it worked out the way that it did. But there is always that thought in the back of my mind of all the what ifs. I just have to trust God that he knows what he is doing and as long as I listen to him and follow his plan and not my own, things will work out for the best, regardless of what I think is best.

Missing Out

     That moment when you feel like you missed out on something because you were too scared to put yourself out there. Sometimes we are too scared and worried about how we will look or what people will think of us that we forget to just let go and put ourselves out there. Sometimes it is worth the risk of looking like a fool in order to get something really special, or experiencing something awesome. How different would our lives be if we weren't afraid of how we looked and we just let go and had fun and were ourselves?

Confessions of a College Student

        My biggest fear as a college student is that I will not end up getting a job or use my degree. I am scared that I will have spent all this time and money and then not end up using that education. What if I get desperate to pay the bills right out of school and take a job that doesn't get me anywhere and I get stuck there. If you don't have experience most places won't higher you. It is almost like you need experience to get experience. It can be a vicious cycle. I don't want to feel sad and lost the rest of my life. I don't want to dread going to work; I want to enjoy what I am doing.
      There is so much riding on this, so much time and money. So many people believe in me; I don't want to let them down, especially my parents. I want to be able to make something out of myself, something that people will look up to.

Thanksgiving Blues

     This week before thanksgiving has been rough. I slept through a class and missed a quiz that I can't make up. I didn't do so well on another test that I should have done well on. I have been scatter brained and forgetting things. I have been an absolute mess. I have been needing to do laundry but haven't been able to find a time when there are free washers. I have a lot of cleaning to do before I leave too. All I can think about is going home and eating real food! I have been living off coffee and borrowed sleep.  This is a well needed break.

Connections

      One thing that has really amazed me about college so far is how many people I have met that know other people I know. So many connections are being made and have been made it is weird. I will meet someone totally random and later find out they know someone that I know from somewhere else.  It is the weirdest thing. The world is so big, yet so very small. It is fun to see all the connections and see how paths cross.

Tis The Season

       It is this time of year that makes me miss home most of all. Fall is my favorite season of all time. I love the leaves that change colors and fall covering the ground. I love the cool crisp air, the boots, scarves and sweaters. I love drinking coffee and apple cider, pumpkin pie, football, snuggling in bed. I love going to the pumpkin patch and corn maze. I love watching Charlie Brown with my mom. I love the atmosphere and the spirit it puts you in, the joy you feel in your soul. I love that everyone becomes grateful and they embrace their friends and family. It is the way this season makes you feel; just makes me miss home.

Just For Fun

        My outlook on life has really changed a lot in the last four years, even more in the last 2 years. I am not so intense and uptight about everything. I take things as they come and roll with them. I realize that you can't control everything, that things don't always go your way. It isn't worth the time and energy to stress over things. You need to get out and enjoy life. What's the point of life if all you do is worry and stress and you don't have fun?
       That is what my life used to be. I worked all the time. Never did anything for fun, didn't have time. I worked myself to the ground. Worried and stressed all the time. I worked to please people, I wanted to do right by everyone. I had a lot of responsibility and I took it seriously. I would blow off friends and different activities so that I could work or just be alone because I was always so exhausted. I became depressed and upset because of what my life had become.
        If I learned anything from the last two years of my life it is that you can't take yourself seriously all the time. You can't work yourself to the ground; you don't get anything from that. Yes, work hard, take responsibility seriously. But don't make that your life. Laugh at things,  if things don't go your way, it is okay. Take time just for fun. Go out and do something just for the fun of it. If you don't enjoy life there is really no point.

Hamster Wheel

     Lately I have been feeling like I am stuck in a hamster wheel. I do the same thing everyday. Get up go to class, go to work, study till late, then go to bed, then get up and do it all over the next day! I mean I guess that is just how life goes sometimes but it can get really discouraging.

Home

      I came home for the first time this weekend. It was a weird feeling. Somehow I thought everything would be normal like I never left. It wasn't. It felt foreign and weird; life kept moving and changing while I was gone. My room felt foreign and empty. The whole weekend had a different and weird feeling. I am a visitor in my own home.
     The more I think about it the more I realize that it will always be this way. I will never truly live here again. Things will never be the same as they were. I won't go to school, come home and do homework at the kitchen counter while my mom cooks. I won't eat in the dinning room table with everyone. When I do I will be a visitor and I'm not sure it will ever feel normal again.
     It was really good to come back though. It was good to see old friends and rest for awhile from the business of school. It was good to not eat in a cafeteria. I would come home for a vacation anytime.

Tired of Third Wheeling

     The past few days I have really been struggling. Pretty much all of my friends are in relationships. I came here with one good friend that was single and we were going to find really good guys together. She found someone and I am really happy for her, but they are always together. We never really hang out anymore. I am happy for all my friends I really am. It is just hard being the odd one out all the time. I am tired of always third wheeling and being the awkward one that is just there because she has no one else to hang out with.
     I know my time will come. I know there is someone out there for me. I just haven't found him yet. I am just tired of wasting my time with the wrong ones. I just really wish sometimes that I could have someone to hang out with, someone to go on double dates with, someone to show off to my friends, someone to love me, and someone who wants to be with me. I just have to have patience.

College Life

       College is such an interesting thing. You study and do homework all the time, yet I am having the most fun I have ever had in my life! You meet the coolest people and you can just go and hang out! It is so much fun! This little college town is so fun! You have to get creative with your entertainment sometimes but that makes it all the more exciting!

First Week

     I have one more class and then I will have officially made it through my first week of college; although I feel like I have been here for months. Each day is different yet I do the same thing. Wake up, go to class, fit naps in between classes if possible, go to lunch awkwardly try to find someone to sit with, go to one more class, then run back to room, take a nap, go to dinner, then study in the library. I am starting to feel a rhythm. It has only been one week and yet it is ridiculous how tired I am all the time.
      I still feel like I am not making very many friends and that really irritates me because that is the one thing I was really looking forward to about college. I have been putting myself out there too, going to social events and sitting with people in the cafe. Yet I feel like I just casually meet people all day long and never really continue to develop friendships with the same people. Oh well it will come with time I guess.
     I definitely think that dare I say I have an easier major than most people. Although most of the people I know are either pre-med or pre-dent and studying A&P, chemistry, biology, or calculus, all the time. I just study my four little classes and then go merrily on my way.

Fitting In

     I am really starting to get the hang of this whole college thing. Although it is really exhausting meeting new people everyday and trying to remember all their names. It is really fun. I am always trying to figure out where to go and what to do but each day brings its own adventure. I think I am really going to fit in here. I wasn't sure at first but each day things get easier and more comfortable. I have really met some interesting people here and I think it is going to be a good year. I really miss home when I stop long enough to think about it but I also have this sense of peace that God is going to take care of me no matter what happens.
     

Tired and Overwhelmed

     So I have made it through most of day one and I am already exhausted. I feel like there is so much I have to do yet I am not sure what. I am always walking from place to place. Going to this meeting going to that meeting. It is all so overwhelming. I am not sure what to do with myself. I am in my room trying to hide from it all, maybe if I ignore it it will all go away. I know that is not how life works but I like to think it does sometimes. It is just so tiring. Meeting new people, taking tests, exploring. It is all so new and exciting, yet a lot of work.

Foggy and Unsure

      Well the time has come. I have said my goodbyes: some very hard to do. I am unpacked and settled in. It is a really weird feeling. I am here a week early for freshman week and everything is quiet, there are not a lot of people around. My parents left and my mom texted me about a half hour later. She is having a hard time with this. I haven't really processed it all yet. I am still unsure of what is going on and what to do. Everything is new and weird. I feel like I am in a haze everything is foggy and spinning around me and I am just kind of standing in the middle of it all. But I know it will get better.

Learning To Trust

      These past few weeks have been a roller coaster. Time is winding down and the day to leave is coming. But somehow I have this great peace about it all. God has really been showing me that amongst the chaos he is there. I have been learning that when I focus on God things are better. He has to be your focus. You can't look at the things happening around you. No matter how terrible things may be focus upward, trust that he is in control- especially when you may not feel like you are. Let go of your problems and control. I know this isn't easy to do but it is worth it.

Different World Different Time

       I don't know if you have ever had to leave someone you love. If you have ever loved someone so much that you just wanted the best for them even if that meant not having them for yourself. I don't know if you have ever had someone that makes you completely happy. Someone that makes you feel safe. Sometimes I wish that circumstances could be different. That in a different world in a different time things would work out differently. You could be together. But because of the way things work out you have to let go. You have to let them be their own person. You can't tie them down. They need to grow on their own.

Lightning Outside The Window

          Tonight as I stare out the window watching the lightning strike across the sky and listen to the thunder boom and shake the house; I can smell the rain. I can't help think about all the time I have spent staring out this window and thinking about the future. I have done lots of praying at this window. Cried a lot of tears by this window, done a lot of thinking about life, boys, school, drama, family. I have watched countless rainstorms and countless snowflakes fall in the light of the streetlight while praying for no school. My life has happened on the inside of this window. As I listen to the rain fall outside it gives such a bittersweet feeling. The rain cleans and rejuvenates, gives the chance for a fresh start. Which is exactly what faces me ahead now: a new beginning.

Hopeful For The Future

      I have some of the greatest friends in the world. Unfortunately most will not be coming with me. I have just a few weeks left before I leave. I have been trying to take advantage of the time I have left. We have been having some great adventures together... although we always do! I am really going to miss them, but I am so excited for what this year will hold for us. Even though we will be apart I know in my heart we are going to have a great year.

That Moment When You Realize

        This last week everything hit me. I am really leaving. Before it was all talk about something happening in the future and you just kind of brush it off like yeah eventually. But no turns out I am really leaving in two and a half weeks. It hit me when I dropped my brother off for his first day of school. I went inside to see what was going on and I was on the outside looking in. It was weird and that is when it hit me that I am not longer apart of this world. I have to move on ready of not. Life doesn't stop and wait till you are ready. It just keeps on going and you have to dive in and keep up.
        I am leaving four of the best friends I have ever had. They are not coming with me and that breaks my heart. I am leaving my home town for the first time in my life. Everything is new and sort of scary. But I am most heartbroken about the people I am leaving behind. The fact that they will go on adventures with out me and have inside jokes that I won't be apart of.
       It is strange how life just kind of comes along one day and slaps you upside the head with reality and your life as you know it changes. But the time has come for me to spread my winds and jump out of the nest.

Waiting and Praying

       I don't know what it is about this last year but I have started thinking about my future husband a lot. I think it is because most of my friends are in relationships now and I have been feeling like the outcast a little bit. But that is okay it has given me time to think about what I want in a boyfriend. It also makes me think of what my husband will be like and where he is or what he is doing right now. I often pray for him and ask God to be with him. I wonder how our story will play out.

Biggest Dream

      My biggest dream is to pack up and travel Europe for a year, take pictures, and blog about my experience. It would be so spontaneous and adventurous. I think the whole trip would be a really great growing experience, and heck who doesn't want to travel Europe? At the end of it all, I would love to write a book or maybe make a coffee table book with my pictures.

Worlds Collide

        Have you ever thought about how your life collides with others? How your life crosses paths with different people everyday, some complete strangers. That lady behind you in the grocery store line, how does her life effect yours? How does her life effect the cashier's?
         We see different people all the time, how do the choices we make effect those around us? Doesn't even have to be big things like taking different jobs, but small things like where to go for lunch. If you had gone to that other restaurant you wouldn't have seen that man sitting in the conner booth. The fact that your paths crossed even for a moment. That made an impact on something; that changed something.

Different Yet The Same

           I have always wanted to travel the world. I love how there is so much history out there for us to go see and experience. It fascinates me how people on the other side of the world can be so different, yet so similar. Things that are new and exciting to me may be completely ordinary to someone else.

         You can learn so much by traveling. Things that you couldn't necessarily learn in a textbook. You can see first hand how people live; or see something historical and imagine what life used to be like.  Europe is a good example of that. They have historical cities and sites all over the place. It is mixed in with the new development around it. You see the contrast of new and old all the time. It is so beautiful. I have done a lot of traveling throughout the United States I wish I could go see more of the world and what it has to show. 

Passionless Life

        Everyone needs to find that one thing that makes them happy. You need to find passion in something. Find something that lets you chill and unwind. So often we get so caught up in what we have to get done. We work all the time, we think about work, we live, breathe, and sleep work. We never really stop to rest. We work while we eat, we work when we are home, and even when we are laying in bed we are thinking about what we still need to do.
         We really need to take time to stop and allow ourselves to relax, to do something we enjoy. Not only does this make life more enjoyable but it is physically, mentally, and emotionally healthier for you. It allows you to take a break and keeps you from working yourself to death.
         So go find what you enjoy doing. Take some time to actually experience life. Don't get so caught up in what you have to do and just have fun!

Outside Looking In

     Do you ever feel like you are in a movie? Like you are watching yourself going through life from the outside.  Sometimes I feel like I am sitting just watching myself go through life- like I am a character in a movie. Like I can't control what is going on I am stuck watching. It is the strangest feeling.

Lashing Out and Sad

        This summer before I leave for college is the longest one of my life. My brother will go back to school before I will. It is good in some sense, I have a chance to get things done before I go. But it also is bad because it delays the inevitable, me leaving. It has been causing my family, and I to lash out and yell at each other. The stress has been getting to everyone in weird ways. Little things cause us to get upset and freak out. It is irritating and frustrating. I want it to stop yet it is easier just to live upset and irritated at everyone sometimes.
        Sometimes, I just want to hurry up and move so that I can get settled and everything can calm down. Yet I know that if that happens things will never be the same. I will never live with my family ever again.  I know I need to appreciate what I have while I have it, but sometimes it is just hard.

Enslaved to Emotions

        Do you ever get so mad all you can do is break down and cry? Maybe that is just a girl thing. But sometimes I get so mad I don't know what to do with myself. The only thing I can do is cry. Channeling energy is never something I have been good with. My emotions have gotten me in trouble a few times. I can't always get a grip on them. It's weird how we let ourselves become overwhelmed and run by our feelings and emotions. Why is it so easy to lose control? Why do we let ourselves become so enslaved?

Stuck in The Past

      Why is it that when we loose something that is when we wish we had it the most? Why do we not appreciate things while we have them? I think we just get used to having them and we can't imagine life without them. It's funny how life works sometimes. Why do we hate change so much? Why is it that when things change we fight it? We like things to be familiar and comforting. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do things differently. Go back and appreciate what I had while I had it. Then it would make changing easier, at least I like to think it would.

Summer bliss

          Summer is probably the most looked forward to time of the year next to Christmas. It has always been one of the best times of year for me. You get to go out and play with your friends all day, swim, run through the sprinkler, stay out later because it stays light longer, eat ice cream, the music of the ice cream truck becomes your summer theme song. You fall asleep to the sound to the sound of the fan, which is always running. You live in your swimming suit. You count down the days till you go to camp. Summer bring joy and pure bliss. From the moment you finish school and say goodbye to your friends you are on to the days of milkshakes and lemonade stands, car washes and drive in movies.
      Some of my best childhood memories are of summer, playing outside all day with my friends. Climbing trees, getting dirty, swimming, riding bikes, playing baseball, everything was so much fun. I wish summer was still like that. Innocent and adventurous.

Escape

       Do you ever lie in bed a little longer to avoid the world? You try to escape the problems or tasks you will have to face. Your bed is so warm and welcoming and begs you just to stay, to avoid facing the day.  When your life gets confusing and frustrating, when you are having a problems with some friends, when you are stressed, when you are having family problems, when you are making a big decision, when you just don't want to go to work, or when life just won't stop throwing problems at you. These are the times when you just want to give in and sleep it off, stay in bed and avoid. Unfortunately this never works, it never solves the problems or make them go away. It just makes it worse if anything. Although that is always the tactic I chose, I hide away in bed praying it will make everything go away. Then when nothing happens, I put my big girl panties on and face the day.

The Challenges with Friends

      Why are friendships so hard? I mean some just happen. You meet someone and you hit it off and it is smooth sailing from there. Some never get very deep, you just know a person and you have common friends and you hang out with them every once in awhile. Other friends are there for a long time and you love them with all your heart. I mean friends can be the best. They get you through some tough times.
      But there are those friends that walk out of your life just as fast as they walked in. They move and you lose touch, or they get a new boyfriend or girlfriend and are no longer around, then you have those who call themselves your friend but they don't really act like it, or they change schools and move on with their life. This always sucks and it happens more than you would think.
        As I am moving on to college I am realizing that this is just going to be a reality for me now. My friends are going to different schools, some I will never see again, I will just loose touch with some, but some will stay forever. I left high school with not many friends, but we will see what college holds.

High School Safety Net

      Sometimes I wish I could go back and never leave high school. As much as I hated it, there is something warm and welcoming about it. Something that is familiar that invites you to stay and reminisce about the good times. High school is a hard time in life, it is a fish tank, where everyone looks at you and knows your business. Yet somehow there are always those that no one really knows anything about and they seem to just slip through the cracks. You try to stay "cool" in the social scene, keep up with your homework, projects, and studying, all while balancing extra-curricular activities.          

      Some nights everything is just so overwhelming you just want to kill yourself. Being a teenager can really suck sometimes, hormones raging, confused about life and what you should do. Things can get complicated. Yet why? Who to take to the latest banquet doesn't have to be such a dramatic subject. Yet somehow it always was. Boys, friends, family, school, it all got busy and crazy. There was always so much to do, I would want to shut my brain off. 

        There are some things I will really miss about high school, the events, the friends, the memories, but there are something that I really won't, the drama, the crazy schedules, the stress. Why is it always that when we have something we are so willing to give it away and when we don't have it anymore we want nothing more than to have it back?

Change

       In 58 days my life is going to change forever. I am headed into the next chapter in my life. This is both exciting and terrifying. It is going into the unknown not knowing if you are prepared, or ready for what challenges lie ahead. Once you graduate high school everyone expects you to wake up and be prepared. They expect you to wake up the next day and be responsible and ready to take the bull by the horns. That is definitely easier for some than others. But I like to think of all the millions of other people that have survived and think that I can do it too.