Tales of ReEntry

      When you come back you soon realize that there are three groups of people. One group is the expert group, you try and talk to them about various things from your year and they are quick to tell you all about the things they know about the topic (whether right or wrong), and they tell you all the things you must be feeling. They are sure that they understand even though they have nothing to relate to anything you are trying to say.
     The next group are the ones that don't really care. The first time they see you they ask how you are and how your experience was. But once you give anything more than a three word response they cut you short with excuses of having to go do something or meet someone. They are the ones that are too busy to really care about anything you have to say.
    The third group is the group that really thinks that they care and maybe they do. They just don't have anyways of understanding or identifying with what you have to say. They can't offer the support that you so desperately want. They don't understand how you can go on and on about all the things that you hated and all the bad experiences you had but in the same breathe talk about how it was the greatest thing you have ever done. They have no hook to hang your story.
      People are just as confused as I am about how I can be such a stranger in my own culture. It is frustrating. Going through reEntry is like a computer with things running in the background. When you have a lot of programs open and a lot of things runnings running in the background it slows the computer down. The same is when you come home. You are always subconsciously processing and dealing with things. It slows you down and leaves you just as tired and frustrated as the user of the computer.
    Trying to figure out how to deal with the new ways that you see things can be all but possible at times. Home feels different, foreign even, you notice different things that you never did before. How do you deal with them?
     You love the things of home, warm comfy beds, hot showers, familiar language, familiar food, loved ones, cleanliness and the list goes on and on. However you miss things of the place you left behind, new friends, food, weather, culture, lifestyle, and on and on. You come to despise things about your home culture, ungratefulness, impatience, materialism, business, etc. You want so desperately to fit in, for things to be normal again, yet, a part of you wants to be nothing like these people full of greed and selfishness. You don't want to let go of the place and things that you learned and experience in your new home. You find yourself bitter and angry,  with a short fuze, critical and angry at yourself. What happened? How did I get like this? How do I move on? Do I even want to move on? Why did I even leave? Why did I even go in the first place?
     People don't understand how the thought of going to a crowded place gives you anxiety. How doing normal everyday things seems weird. How you do things and sometimes don't even know why you do them.
   Your values and beliefs have shifted or solidified and your friends may not identify or understand them. It leaves you feeling more isolated, unsure of who to trust, or spend your time with.
    ReEntry is a process. The most frustrating process ever, yet a process. It brings joy, hurt, pain, laughter and tears. It causes you to grow yet again in ways you never thought you would have to but in the end you are richer because of it.

I Was Given a Box

      Life after a year abroad is kind of different. I mean in a lot of ways it is the same I go to the same places, eat the same things, shop at the same stores more or less.  They tell you to take time off, go see the world, get perspective on life. So that is what I set out to do. I decided to spend a year teaching, 3rd grade, sounded fun, new and exciting. I went to a place far away where I didn't really know anyone in search of figuring out life and finding myself.
     I had a great experience. I sang, prayed, laughed, cried, experienced amazing sunsets and sunrises, trials and tribulation. I failed and overcame. All while falling in love with 32 beautiful children. I grew to love the community and culture. They embraced me and laughed while I tried to learn their language, all too unsuccessfully. They joined me while I experienced their cultural celebrations and learned to love their food.
      Go experience the world they said. So I did. I went and dove headfirst in an amazing culture on the other side of the world. I learned about family, friendship, love, faith, God, patience, and forgiveness. I learned about the power of prayer. I experienced, and I learned all while figuring out and learning more and more about myself. You set out in a new place to figure out how to survive and in the process you end up stumbling upon yourself. You figure out who you are in a new place, you gather new ideas, new perspectives, and experiences.
         I was heartbroken to leave this place. This place where I had discovered so much on a piece of land amongst the sea. This magical heavenly place. My heart fell into 32 pieces, the 32 pieces that had hugged me, starred up at me in amazement, the 32 pieces that had fought me, cried in my arms, and loved me so unconditionally. My 32 amazing children that had touched my heart so deeply. I left those 32 pieces on that island amongst the sea.
       I was excited to take my new ideas, perspectives, and experiences home to share with those I loved.  But to my amazement they were not as welcomed as I had hoped. Sure they were excited to see me but the hype fizzled out real fast and I was soon given a box. I was told to keep my ideas, perspectives, and experiences to myself. I was told to stay in the box, "you are home now,""'you're not on an island anymore". I was left in a box, frustrated on how to fit in it. Everyone around me left frustrated and confused, unsure of what to do, unsure of who I was.
       Alas, I am left to figure out who I am all over again inside this box, this box I don't fit in, this box that has all the experiences, and ideas that I have grown to cherish but are not so appreciated by others. I have to figure out who I am in the place I grew up with the new things I have brought home with me. I know who I am on the island but who am I at home?

Camp Week 3

     Wow this weeks has been one of the hardest, most stressful weeks ever. All started out sunday morning hearing of my brothers accident. The night before (4th of July) he got hit in the face with a firework that blew up in his face leaving this face burnt, swollen, and bloody. He was rushed to the hospital with his best friend who was hit in the neck and Greg was then later flown to a hospital with a burn unit, his friend soon discharged. 

   My mother flew out that morning and I spent the whole day in a fog or worry and uncertainty of what was happening. I tried to focus on my work but I was lost wondering around unsure of what to do. The next day I started my week as sub couselor and fought back panic attacks and tears. I had a rough cabin, was worried about Greg, and was trying to figure out how to be a councelor. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I spent the day running around with 9 girls who had been up since 4 am. It was rough. 

      I had been wondering why God wanted me at camp. Not going to lie I didn't really want to go but long story short I knew that is where God wanted me. However now I know why. The support and love I have received from the staff and everyone during this rough time has been amazing. I had been missing my SM family that loved me despite of everything and who supported me through everything, I was worried I would never have that again. But I have found that again in my camp family. They have come around me and loved me and supported me and done more than they had to to help me. I am so thankful for all of them. 

       I am still worried, still having a hard time focusing and taking care of myself much less 8 girls but I have a new family to lean on and I am so thankful for that and all that God has been doing to heal my brother. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, support, and prayers. They have all been greatly appreciated. I know that I have hundreds of people praying dor Greg and my family and I am so grateful.